Unthinking.

It's hard to hold hope that 2011 is going to be a great year. BUT, while I am wallowing in the fact that I may be an unemployed quarterlife degenerate, I can certainly count my blessings, and there have been quite a few, it's holding on to them that is becoming a challenge. The thought of losing these emotions and people makes me feel absolutely wretched (I was going to say "positively wretched" but that seemed a little off, just a little).
I just skipped out to buy a bottle of wine from my next door neighbor, 7-11. Most of it will probably be consumed tonight because--let's face it--I don't have anything better to do. Plus, it may make my screenplay a little friskier and give it just the edge I was looking for but I could not fully achieve without my mood "enhanced". Here goes. Gulp. Ew, I knew I should have gone with the Moscato, that shit is like juice. And although Barefoot Sauvignon Blanc is not my favorite, I always pick it, even when there is the option of it's sweeter sister wife, Moscato. I guess I will never know why I keep going bitter. Maybe I should try red wine. Ick, strike that from the record. For one, it stains my teeth and tongue and for two, I am never feeling that bitter.

One blessing of this evening is that I have turned my phone off and managed to keep it off for a record 1 hour now. Usually I would crack, wondering who left a frantic voicemal wondering where I was or who left an angry Blackberry message wondering if I deleted their pin number for good. Turning my phone off gives me the ability to unthink. The things I have been thinking about all day, for instance. Will they e-mail me back about the job? Will he actually call today? Is it time to pay my cable bill yet? What do I have to buy at the store? Will constantly looking at my phone make me think that I might have something interesting going on in my life when in fact, nothing of the sort is going on at all? Yes, it is true, turning my phone off means undoing calendar reminders, unthinking about boys, unthinking about all of the things that I find amiss or feel stressed out about. Without my phone, it is just me and my words. Me and my computer and my stereo blasting "Born This Way" (I actually like the song even though it is clearly a Madonna rip off. If I were Whitney I would be offended by the remark Gaga made at the Grammies this year about "thinking about Whitney when I wrote this". In fact, I would be offended if I were Madonna, too) Unfortunately the phone off thing is not a blessing I can count on for too too long because people might actually start to wonder where I was. Or would they? Juuust kidding.

There are certain blessings I will never have to try and hold on to. Family, friends, etc. But there is one that has come into my life recently that I feel slipping through my fingers. This person claims I am the only one true thing in their life, but I feel them pulling away from me. THAT is the wretched feeling. And I can't do anything about it. Ooofta. Definitely something I want to unthink about. It is just so hard when someone is so far away I cannot help but just blame myself. I put myself in this situation. I put my heart on the line. I know I should not have done it and I should put a stop to it right now. I have the guts to do it, I am just afraid of losing him. There I said it, him. Have you ever felt such an undeniable connection to someone for no reason? Well, there has to be a reason, but there is absolutely nothing about this person I don't like. Some things that some people find to be extremely annoying are charming and endearing to me. When I start getting jealous or insecure, he doesn't walk away. Someone (maybe several someones, actually) has told me that if it is the right person, there is nothing you can do to scare them off. We are getting thrown into pretty murky waters though, folks. Nothing is necessarily wrong, I think (and this is extremely hard to admit) he and I just realize that we can't be anything but friends right now. For me though (also hard to admit), I can't deal, it isn't enough. It always just feels right. Everything with this person, ahem, him feels right. He is one chapter I will never forget, no matter how hard I will try and try again. And I may not have to forget. Who knows.

I should be thinking about getting a job. I had a great interview today, though. Even though my mascara was (unknowingly, it was moist and hot out today) all over the place due to my eye rubbing, I think it went great. I was chipper even though I was sweating in my boots and navy blue sweater. I hope I nailed it, and you know what? First instinct? It only goes up from here!

So maybe I should recount my blessings. Besides that one thing, things are looking up, so I am going to (try) to put a halt to bullshit and keep unthinking my way to the top of the totem pole.

Cheers to unthinking.
 PS: I am on my second mini glass of wine.